Inspirations

Jacob Lately

I haven’t written about him in such a long time… I’m so worried that I will forget all of this one day!

He still isn’t talking much, but he makes his words count. He says many different animals noises (cow, sheep, pig, dog, cat, fish, chicken, horse) and knows what sound various machines make (fire engine, choo-choo train). He loves trucks and buses, and he can amuse himself by pushing his little tractor around for minutes at a time (minutes is a lot for a baby). He is just now getting into watching music videos and TV, although I am trying to limit it. He likes to sit on our laps and watch youtube videos for Baby Beluga, Mr. Sun, Balloons, Bob the Builder, and Sesame Street. He loves Sesame Street now, especially Elmo (he calls him “mo”). He can also say “shoes”, although the outside observer probably wouldn’t understand what he was trying to say. He loves to go grab his shoes and try to step into them. He always wants to go outside and walk around, picking up sticks and seeing the leaves and trees and mower. He loves to play with blocks and balls. He loves reading books… he always brings them up to us and then sits in our laps while we read. He likes to brush his teeth, and he LOVES music… as soon as we go into the family room to play, he immediately rushes over to the stereo and demands that we play Raffi. He just started saying “uh-oh!”, although I don’t think he knows what it means because he says it over and over for minutes at a time. He can do almost all of the motions for “the wheels on the bus”, and when he dances to music, he likes to spin around in a circle, along with other totally “cool” dance moves.

His favorite foods are grilled cheese, pasta, bananas, strawberries, and green beans. He still isn’t big on sweets. He loves lentil stew. He likes to try to hold his own spoon and fork. Oh, and he loves to eat cheerios with milk! He is generally a happy boy, except for when we leave him at daycare. He still cries when we leave, but they say that he gets over it very quickly and has fun. He’s only there on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. He is a beautiful boy :)

We got his haircut about three weeks ago, and it was the fifth or sixth haircut that he’s had, and it’s already grown back. He hates getting his hair cut… basically, he hates being messed with, whether it is at the barber or at the doctor. He hates having his nose wiped when it’s runny and he hates having his diaper changed.

He also knows how to point out many different body parts. He knows eyes, ears, mouth, nose, and belly.

I think he is growing up to be a wonderful boy. I am so lucky to be his mother.

Realizations and Life

Realizations about Me:

1) I have a million risk factors for coronary heart disease. I live a sedentary life, I am overweight, and worst of all… I hold a lot of anger inside. I need to start venting this anger and letting things go instead of holding so much inside and letting so much anger fester. Why am I even letting myself get worked up about petty and unimportant things? I don’t need to concern myself with high school type drama, and I don’t need to get angry with my parents, who are wonderful and have only ever tried to help me with everything. I need to learn to LET THINGS GO. Stop screaming and cursing everyone, stop using the word “hate” and throwing around negative emotions and words carelessly. I need to think about joy and happiness, about the little things in life that really make it beautiful. Appreciate the beauty and ignore the ugliness.

2) The reason that I am struggling so much with Weight Watchers lately is that I am going through this cyclic “binge-diet-binge” pattern that I need to break free of. I have been battling the same 10 pounds for the past four months! I lost 40 pounds and have kept them all off, but the next 10 are just proving difficult to keep off. The reason: I keep getting into these week-long binges that include eating whatever I want (for example, within the past three days I have had a large sized Chick-fil-a meal, McDonalds breakfast, McDonalds lunch, an entire pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, a frappuchino, four slices of pizza, a King Cone, and a meal from KFC). I didn’t even enjoy some of the above foods. But I felt compelled to stuff my face, for whatever reason. And then, as soon as I see the numbers start to go up on the scale, I go back to Weight Watchers for a week or two or however long it takes to get some of the weight off. But it always comes back, because the binge eating behaviors come back too. I have no idea how I keep justifying this in my head. It’s getting ridiculous… I literally felt sick after eating the KFC today. But it’s like I can’t even stop myself. But now it’s time to. I need to take control. I can’t keep saying “I’ll start over tomorrow”, because tomorrow never comes (there’s always a new tomorrow). I need to start TODAY. I don’t want to wait for a wake up call to change my behavior. I want to change now, while I can still undo the damage I have done and fight to lose not just these 10 pounds I’ve been struggling with, but also a good 50 or 60 more. I want a breast reduction so bad, but it will never happen if I don’t get my act together.

3) I have a major oral fixation. I think this is what is tempting me to start smoking. I have never smoked a cigarette before, but yet I find myself extremely compelled to start, even after learning exactly what it can do to you, even though all of my smoker friends are in the process of quitting, even though it is expensive and disgusting and I have no need to start. I know about my oral fixation because it manifests itself constantly. It is the reason for constant overeating, biting on my nails, biting my tongue and cheek and pen caps and straws. I always need to be doing something with my mouth! I am trying to get myself started on Tic Tacs. I think this could help with the overeating in particular. I really do not want to start smoking because I know how horrible it is and how addictive it is. but it is an extreme fascination that I have. Please, if there is a God above, keep me from this self destructive behavior. It isn’t all about me anymore… I am responsible for another life.

4) I think part of all of these bad behaviors is my extreme anxiety. I want to start writing more. I want to start exercising. I need to clear my mind instead of spending all day on the couch, eating junk food and watching TV. I want my mind to grow and expand… I don’t want it to rot and fall out. I don’t want to constantly mull over issues that I have and talk about them with others and put my business out there. Just by saying negative things, like “I’m stressed”, not only stresses me even more than I already am but also stresses others around me. It is one thing to vent to a few people at choice times, and another thing entirely to constantly draw attention to my own stresses. Everyone has them. I don’t need to constantly pollute the world with my stresses. Plus, there are times when I suddenly say that out of the blue, for no particular reason. No reason to keep reminding myself that I am stressed… it seems counterproductive. I need to find something better to do with my time.

5) I love learning! I love college. All of my professors inspire me to become something great. That is why I have recently considered getting a Ph.D degree. I don’t know if I will ever find the time, though. I just don’t know if I am willing to commit myself to 5-6 additional years of school after undergrad! I am already feeling the first signs of burnout. I at least need to take a break. And I want to have a family! I can’t afford to spend thousands on grad school. I need a job to afford a place of my own and to support my family. I want more kids. I’m not sure what I will do after undergrad. If all goes according to plan, I will graduate in 2012, a year ahead of schedule. I feel like I am doing everything right, and I will figure out the answers as I go. I feel as though I learn about new opportunities everyday. I have been networking and exploring and getting truly interested in my major. I am so lucky to have discovered my true passion, and lucky that I didn’t settle for nursing just because it would’ve been a stable job. All of my professors give the same advice: DO WHAT YOU LOVE. Don’t learn just to get an A, complete a major just to get a high paying job, or accept a life path that has been handed to you by your parents. Discover your own passions, and let them drive you toward success. There are many different paths. On average, a person will change jobs 7 times in his or her lifetime… there is room for error, room for making mistakes, room to go back to school and change your mind and explore and commit to something that you will truly love. I already know that I have found that in psychology. I am interested in every single aspect… Health Psychology, Developmental Psychology, Cognitive Psychology, Research Methods, even Statistics! There is nothing that I haven’t considered, and I’m sure I’ll consider many other things before committing. I love being in identity moratium! It gives me the security of knowing that I haven’t prematurely committed, and I have a chance to explore options and make an informed choice. This is why I love college! Of course, all of this is much harder with Jacob. But I just tell myself that I am doing it all for Jacob… because Jacob will have a better life if his parents aren’t always stressed out, miserable, and unhappy.

Hand cramp… I’ll write more tomorrow, especially new things about Jacob!

One more note: I fall more and more in love with Jacob each day. Today, he loved more than Matt. Just for once… and it made me so happy. He came up to me and gave me a hug, cried when I walked away, gave me many kisses… he is truly a blessing. I am so in love… I am so lucky <3